The Ultimate Form of Expression: Spam

On October 8, 1995, five brave souls joined the growing movement toward using SPAM as an artform. They participated in the first SPAM Carving contest held in the northern town of Washburn, IL. This contest was part of the festivities at the record release party for The Racing Pi**horses.

I was named Judge for this festival. It was my job to decide which sculpture contained that certain essense of greatness. Heather Virgo, Kara Stoner, Allison Sides, Tim the Roadie, and I competed to win the prize, which was a classic SPAM T-shirt.

As the cons begin to open, the sound of flavor-seals popping fills the air. A unique smell permeates the room as the SPAM is plopped onto the cutting sufaces. After a quick safety check, they're off.

Although enthusiastic, the contestants lack the proper skills, so progress is slow. Kara Stoner chooses to carve her initials, whereas Heather Virgo elects something a little different. Instead of carving the SPAM, she grabs a handful and squeezes. Using this procedure, Heather molds the "Miracle Meat" into a SPAM snowman. Toothpicks hold the snowman together, while one through the skull keeps the top hat in place.

Off in his own little corner, Tim the Roadie reverently works on his SPAM. Tim decides on a 2-dimensional coffee cup. His skills, however, are limited, so it ends up looking like a pile of mush.

The fourth contestant, Allison Sides, becomes repulsed by the juices and watches The Racing Pi**horses play.

I on the otherhand, dive into my sculpting. Being a veteran SPAM carver, I Choose a man descending a staircase. It's amazing what you can do with a can of SPAM.

The central theme to the evening of festivities was the release of the album, It Only Takes One to Stop an Ice Cream Truck from The Racing Pi**horses. They formed about two years ago in Washburn, IL. Having only two members, J.J. Gregg and Ryan Toliver, it is easy for them to write their own songs. If anyone would like to purchase their Red Vinyl record, or various other merchandise, contact me, Jadon Peck, and I'll get you a catalog.

As for the contest, it was a tough decision. Well... not really. This year's winning entry was...mine. Now some people may think that was unfair, but the other entries lacked that certain artistic expression that defines greatness. That, and the other entries were eaten by the dog.